In becoming aware of my restless mind in a new way a different way, I've noticed that from time to time my mind tells me to do something, to buy something to make something. This for purely entertainment purposes-for the idea of fun, to simply fill-in the gap. I'm often aware of the idea building up deep down in my mind. It's saying things like let's go there or let's buy that or let's find some fun. What I'm really noticing is this conception of needed amusement. I've become aware of this silent voice of discontent- it pops up a good deal of the time. It seems to override the moment and insists I seek some fun or pleasurable activity. By doing something, going somewhere or buying something the idea that I will somehow find a happier place through this action. I've so conditioned my mind and body that I feel the need to- constantly seek a state of action. Of searching for an activity that I think will deliver a level of satisfaction. I've had fleeting pleasure from this or that in the past. I find myself drawn back to repeating them in an effort to find that excitement and entertainment again.
However I'm noticing this in a different way than I've ever noticed before. You see, as my mind clears - I've found some peace of thought a quiet place and a quiet awareness of my thinking. I've begun to notice this nudge for entertainment as more of a distraction of thought than as an "Only Thought" - my mind clouded before had an impossible time distinguishing these separate thoughts. I never before could notice it as a new or different thought- I was always in pleasure seeking mode and restless. The search was forever on. And in so, I could never recognize that it was new, a new idea. Because my mind was racing from one pleasure chase to another; so it was the norm. It was exhausting and energy consuming. Leaving me drained and burnt out.
I never came off the chase. My mind was unable to see that it truly operated in an altered state. My standard condition I lived in mentally was greed. It was so conditioned into my mind that that's all I could think of. It was all I thought of. How next to find that entertainment that next ride. I lived in an intoxicated state. My awareness was controlled by intoxication or the pursuit of such.
Unfortunately, as I chased all these things that excited me; I found that I needed more. More of each item was required to reach a new level of excitement. Each time more was needed to feed the monster. This created a terrible escalation in my mind. I had to have more to surpass the old memory of that high or it just wasn't good enough. Satisfaction was but unattainable. I needed a bigger level to top the previous purchase. I looked everywhere in life for it, in every dark corner and every seedy alley. Not a single rock was left unturned - my never ending search for gratification. I found that it had entered all that I did. In the simply way I interacted with people. In the way I lived my life. It was all designed to somehow obtain that feeling of pleasure. It was a curse.
Today as my mind clears, as I'm able to think- to notice and be aware of controlling addictions and thoughts. These Addictions that often masquerade as normal activities as ordinary ways of thinking. I've begun to recognize them as they really are. I've started to recognize the little voice that creeps up in the back of my mind- prodding me to look for pleasure to find something of excitement. I never before was able to notice this thought as new, as a stand-alone notion. A desire that was not a part of my natural thoughts- this idea of excitement is not a normal thought. It's a man-made craving for entertainment, a yearning for a physical stimulation or a mental stimulation. This idea of stimulation has been revealed. It is no longer the format of my mind. It is no longer the voice of my mind.
It is by freeing my mind by truly letting it think without a controlling direction, without a governing pattern. That I have become aware of this memory - this notion- this desire to find a stimulated state called wanting. By seeing the mind wanting, to be clear headed enough and honest enough to accept this thought as unnatural. I've been able to not act on it. Too reserve my impulse to act. To allow this wanting to pass and it does. It will pass. The wanting will pass if you just accept it as a notion and do not act on it. By seeing one's "wanting" as a learned behavior distinctly apart from the natural biological actions such a hunger or being tired. One is able to not act, to gently allow the mind to re-set. Too allow this idea to pass from attention. This is done through awareness and not control. Please understand this for yourself, that you cannot control away wanting. You can't wish it away. You cannot create an idea or force an idea to remove an idea. This will only add to the idea. You can't push the idea out of your mind- with a new idea.
The way is to do nothing and let it dissolve on its own. It will. Your mind will clear. You will have energy, clarity and awareness. It is in this awareness that one can decide how to act. No longer controlled by addictions one can see. One can choose to let go.
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