Many alcoholics are so-called functioning alcoholics, holding down jobs and functioning in a 'normal' family situation with a partner and/or children. The effects of alcoholism on those sharing a home with alcoholics is rarely discussed. The stigmatization of society creates an atmosphere of shame and isolation. The Alcoholic, in moments of despair and in need of venting their frustration often project their feelings about themselves onto their partners, leaving the latter in a state of confusion leading to a lack of self-esteem and wondering whether it is all their fault.
There seems to be no logic in and/or explanation for the transformation of the alcoholic from a kind, loving and caring partner into an insulting, bullying aggressor. Partners are made to feel worthless and inadequate and want to do everything to make things right, turning into carers and organizers, and more often than not, deny the awful truth in order to keep up the façade of a happy family.
But are they right to do so? Have they unwittingly become the enabler for the alcoholic? Alcoholics frequently feel attracted to very caring people who in their turn seem to attract people in need of help. The basis is shaky but looking through the glasses of love, things might not be that clear. Having fallen in love with the soft side of the often sensitive, intelligent alcoholic, the partner feels unable to break up a relationship that has, no doubt, many wonderful, happy and special moments. It becomes easy to forgive and forget but the problem, unless recognized and help sought, goes from bad to worse.
The dark moments creep in and become more frequent. The apologies fade away into a difficult reality where moments of being sorry are quickly replaced by moments of projection and anger. The partner unknowingly and unwittingly becomes an enabler by trying to mend, excuse and heal the situation.
Pleading with reason, with tears, threats and ultimatums that are impossible to stick to, only makes matters worse, aggravating the alcoholic and turning their short fuse into a ticking time bomb. Partners, having to tread on eggshells so as not to say or do the wrong thing, try to avoid discussions and situations of anger, feel increasingly isolated and misunderstood. The ill alcoholic seems to have a need for conflict, apparently looking for a reason to start the drinking session or to continue their drinking spree. There is no logic and arguments can start over trivial matters. Words are interpreted incorrectly and taken totally out of context and proportion; translated into an unwanted situation of mothering and smothering.
Partners are forced to be cruel to be kind with achievable ultimatums as the only way to remain sane and to give the alcoholic an option to reach so-called rock bottom. The latter the only hope to find a way out of a disease so widely misunderstood and for the partner to find a way out of the effects of alcoholism on their lives by seeking help for themselves.
Dutch born author and artist Renate van Nijen has herself experienced the complexity of living with an alcohol-addicted partner. The secrecy surrounding alcoholism in society as a whole and the non-acceptance and judgemental comments from family, friends and outsiders that she experienced have driven her to write about the subject of alcoholism and alcohol abuse from an holistic approach. Renate invites you to visit her website where you will find a wealth of helpful information. http://www.renartsbookworld.com/
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