After being influenced and addicted to drugs of all kinds, I am finally FREE from the bondage and the chains that kept me wrapped up for nearly 43 years.What an amazing roller coaster ride I've been on to say the least!
In trying to come to terms with "this disease" I can't help but look back at everything that happened in my life, and how I used circumstances sway my mind in such a negative way.
The battlefield was definitely in my mind and it is the only place where I went to feed the dark impulsive behavior that I cherished to reside in. It was "my" pitty-party and I didn't want anyone included who really cared about me. I liked being alone. I was a thinker, a problem solver, a person who could save the world, so I thought.
Let me take you back to some of the excuses I used to try and justify the hellish lifestyle I led.
(1) Father was too busy and didn't pay any attention to me
(2) Step mother had her own kids and didn't really like me
(3) Was always picked on and nobody gave me any attention
(4) Was overweight as a kid and had weighty issues. (pardon the pun)
(5) Dad was police chief. Called "narc" and had to fight for self-image.
(6) Sent to military school for boys at 14 years old
(7) Accused by dad and step mother of doing drugs when I wasn't
(8) Wasn't punished or disciplined because no one was there.
(9) No structure.
You see, although these things are true, if you'll notice one common denominator, it's the word "I" or "Me". I didn't even think of forgiveness and how that might affect my future. I wasn't concerned about helping others. In a word, I was selfish, in two words, I was exceedingly selfish.
More about that in another article.
The main purpose of this article is to try and help you understand my psyche, the internal workings of my mind at the time. I was a bright kid, full of life and hope, loaded with energy and potential. I was athletically inclined. I played the guitar and still do, was gifted and had my physical health. I had all the reasons to be thankful and to be an over-achiever.
So what happened?
I didn't "Just Say No" to that first toke, or that first hit, or that first poke. I wanted to experience more. I felt physically and spiritually invulnerable. I had no fear, and although I always felt like a stranger to the planet earth, I wanted to experience life on earth to the fullest.
Let me try to explain this "stranger to earth" statement. I had always felt this void deep within my being. It was a lost feeling, a feeling, and remember, being the by-product of the Baby Boomer Generation, feeling was all we went by. Little did I realize that feeling was gonna get me in a whole bunch of trouble later down the path of "if it feels good do it".
Going back to the time when I was about 14 years old, I became withdrawn and my mind began to lie to me. I believed the lies for so long. You see, until we realize we have a problem, there is no problem, so I was too busy noticing others problems instead of my own.
I was easily influenced, gullible I guess you'd say, so when that first opportunity came to escape this reality and enter another, I ran toward.
My first encounter with any mind altering substance was sniffing glue. I was really enjoying just sitting back, listening to music and huffing a paper bag laced with Weldwood contact cement. The active ingredient in Weldwood was Toluol, a strong, fast acting solvent for specific oil based paints, lacquers and adhesives. It was extremely potent and highly hallucinogenic.
That persisted for about 6 months or so and then I took my first hit of marijuana. I thought weed was the perfect drug for me because it seemed to inspire and expand my mind. This went on for quite some time until I found that I couldn't afford it so I learned how to grow it.
Next issue: My Addictions - Continuing the Lie
Larry Christenson is a publisher and website owner.
Marketing Business Manager
Affiliate Internet Marketer intermittently for the past 18 years.
You can more of Larry's articles at his website:
http://a2zinternetsolutions.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment